To Sleep Perchance To Drive

Here I am! Sorry I haven't been around for awhile. I got lost in my middle-aged confusion and have been tagging walls in risky neighborhoods all the while thinking I was typing away here at blog-central.

So, if you want to see any of my posts from the last 30 days you'll need to head to the corner of 94th and Devine. (or was it Baker Street & 112th?) to see what I have been up to. I seem to have ended up with some kind of tattoo from my street adventures. I think I have joined some new health club involving hand guns and running very fast.

Ah, well. My mind has taken to wandering without me. My doctor says it could be a form of narcolepsy called cataplexy. I asked him if he meant a multiplex of cats, as I have certainly been under that type of influence before. He is a very humorless man. I am lucky I got out of there with my driver's license intact.

Sleep disorders are a cruel joke. When you have sleep apnea or narcolepsy, you are very, very, very sleepy all the time. But sleeping at night is the worst way to resolve the issue.

I have found that a short doze while driving is much more stimulating than a straight eight hours could ever be. Those rear-end collisions will wake you right up in the morning! Hoo-ya!

All you want to do is go to sleep, but when you do everyone starts yelling and screaming. All of a sudden there are sirens, personal escorts in uniform, and tow trucks, oh my! How I am supposed to get any rest with all that going on.

So, when I do go to bed at night I am wide awake. Sleeping in bed does no good, so I read, and eat, and clean house until the sleeping pills kick in. Then I have another tossed salad kind of night and wake up sliced, diced, and completely unrested off to begin another day of slumber at work, I mean, in the world.

The auditory hallucinations are the best part. You hear your name called a lot. It can be nice and make you feel like a celebrity, but if the voices also say, "Put your hands on your head!", it is not a hallucination - trust me.

Ah, but I am the Queen of Hyperbole! Methinks she does exaggerate too much! But I swear, I feel like all of this will happen if I don't get at least one good night's sleep this month. My kids are not infants anymore, but my body is still on the every-three-hour standby mode.

Maybe menopause will cure me. Maybe I'll just get even crazier and finally write a best-seller. Now I bet I could sleep at night after THAT happens.