Sins and fears

There was an interesting homily on Sunday about the sin of shame. Father Odo (no, he is not from Deep Space Nine)spoke about using your fear and sense of shame to keep you from acknowledging a wrong you had done, a wrong to yourself or others, and it really got me thinking.

The things we do to ourselves, the choices we make, are the most pain-full and often we don't even realize how bad we hurt. It is easy to focus on the injustice from another and to nurture a resentment or a lifetime of resentments based on one incident.

But I started to look at myself and all the injustices, the fears, the guilt, the negative talk, that I heap on myself each day like business-as-usual. And I realized how much pain I feel because I am afraid to talk about these things. Not only am I afraid to talk about them, I am afraid to change. I will keeping stabbing myself with sad choices rather than feel the pain of postive change. Changing hurts. It means really looking at yourself and acknowledging that something in you is broken. It hurts to mend, to repair, to slip-up and have to start all over.

But the sermon really got me thinking about how my fear and shame of bad choices are the real demon in my life. I isolate myself from those who care most because I am too embarrassed to admit I am not strong in some things. I am afraid I will lose their friendship if I share my fears. So I step back first and lose them for sure. Brilliant.

I believe a sin is anything you put up between yourself and God. A sin is something that keeps you from having a connection with the divine. And you can best experience that connection when you love yourself. So if I trust that I am worth loving. If I believe in my faith and accept that nothing is so bad it can't be forgiven by a greater love than there is nothing I need to be ashamed of. There are only things I need to mend, I need to change, I need to let go.

One of the best quotes I ever read said, "Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." I am tired of resenting my "enemies", tired of resenting myself for all my faults. Tired of resenting life for being so painfull.

I am going to call my friends and tell them what is going on. Let them know that it isn't about them, it is something I have done to myself. And I am going to believe that I can survive my choices, good or bad, that I am worth divine love.

I think it's time for a cup of coffee. Here's to happier times.