Looney Tunes

So, I don't talk much about parenting the Lemurs. (See inaugural blog post for background on Lemurs.)

This is because I know nothing about parenting. Let me rephrase that. I know how to parent infants and toddlers. Unfortunately, (well not unfortunately, but...nevermind) I have an almost seven-year-old and a nine-year-old.

Let me explain. Every mother now understands that the child you birthed is not the child you keep. She changes everyday. You figure out what food, clothing, sleep schedule, toy, friend, and favorite color she likes on Monday, and by Friday she is screaming like Fay Wray in King Kong about the absolute horror of touching any of the previously mentioned, must-have favorites.

The end result is you never have the same child twice. It took me a while to realize that children grow up. Sounds incredibly naive and self-centered, which I am, but it has taken me nine years to realize that children are meant to change on a daily, if not hourly, basis. That is their job, that is why they were made, and that is the one constant of the universe. They are never the same person twice.

Now an adult is fully formed and on the downhill slide of the roller coaster of life. Our brains are done growing (a real handicap) and we are who we are, plus or minus a few life-altering growth experiences.

We are set in our ways, move in straight lines, and like to have things remain the same, at least when it comes to coffee and getting sleep every night.

Children are designed to generate a new life-altering experience every five minutes, usually with great fanfare, drama, and occasionally the risk of imminent death. This is designed to exponentially add to the amount of gray hair on a mother's head.

Now that I have realized children grow up, I am petrified. I don't know anything about ten-year-olds. And one almost seven-year-old is different from another. So not only does every child change, every child changes in her own way.

The things I learned from my oldest daughter have absolutely no application to the whims and whistles of my youngest. There is no manual for being a new mother because they are obsolete with each child.

So, I now live in the shadow of the unknown. My pediatrician delighted in telling me to "Get ready." when I was panicked about the physicial changes my nine-year-old daughter was suddenly going through.

I seriously thought it was a thyroid problem, she gleefully told me it was puberty.

I am not ready for this. I will never be ready for this. I just figured out the kids I've got and now I have to get ready for kids I can't even imagine. I have heard some horror stories from other parents...something to do with hormones, driving, and dating. I am not sure what they mean.

All I can say, is stay-tuned. It is nice that most mental health facilities seem to have internet access in the 21st century. It will make it much easier to keep up these posts when I check out on permanent, loony-ville vacation and try to become someone else, just to keep up with my children.