Happy American Consumer Holidays!

Customer service has become an oxymoron.

Here is my latest letter to the editor of the Anchorage Daily News:

Dear store employee, all I want for Christmas is a little customer service.

I realize that we shoppers were put here on earth to pay your salary. I know you are doing us a favor just by showing up at work and keeping the cash register warm.

I understand that actually knowing your store and products is too much to ask. I mean, how are you supposed to know where things are and how they work?

I am sorry that my questions are a burden and I realize it is my fault I am too stupid to figure out where things are by myself.

As for greetings, I guess introducing yourself and asking me how I am doing is an emotional commitment that should only be made with a license from City Hall.

So, I wish you a Merry Christmas. I am sure you have always been the center of attention during this holiday. Forgive me for not recognizing it right away.

Don’t worry.

When you want a better job and come see me for an interview, I will remember how stupid I was that day when I came into your store and asked you for a little help.